Friday, February 11, 2011

The Legend of Tommy Lightning

This is a guest post by our friend Stu - he writes hilarious stuff about the things in
his life at The Nowhere Road and knows how to drink a beer faster than you.
The Finnish Flash is also Tommy Lightning
It’s February, which means many things: the lingering stench of this years “All-Star” festivities is finally wafting away, teams are starting to buckle down for that late season playoff push, the looming trade deadline is weighing heavy in the minds of many players, GM’s across the league are starting to wheel and deal in hopes of finding that final piece of Lord Stanley’s puzzle, and Evgeni Nabokov is still sitting at home ignoring Garth Snow’s phone calls.

Sorry, that is unless you’re a Maple Leaf. In fact, I can only assume that while Phil Kessel was appropriately representing the boys in blue and white at the “All-Star” game, the rest of the squad was taking the much needed down time to dig out their clubs and maybe take a team trip to Golftown.

Coach Ron Wilson is also known to be a great golfer, unfortunately he always hits the links alone - I hear it’s because he’s overly critical of other players shots. I guess that’s why no one wants to play with him, or for him.

You’d think by now the Leafs would find better ways to spend the off-season, considering the length of it. Maybe follow the lead of the league’s leading goal scorer, Steven Stamkos, and train with legendary asthmatic Gary Roberts. Or maybe spend some time at the Rogers Center in batting practice. I hear the Blue Jays are looking for a first baseman.

However they do it, they’ll never come close to topping the best off season hobbyist in the NHL. Who is this man of mystery you may ask? Well, most know him as Teemu Selanne, but rally car fanatics and exotic women worldwide know him as Teukka Salama.

The well-known car crazy Finn has recently said in an interview, that while summering back in his homeland he takes to the rally car track and races semi-professionally in the off-season and has been doing so for years. The problem is that while under contract the NHL doesn’t allow players to engage in potentially harmful activities in case of accidental injury or death (check out the sweet donut at 6:44). To circumvent this, Teemu has come up with a fake name that he races under.

Teemu has always been known for his beauty of a nickname, the Finnish Flash, and now with his new alias he may just go down in nickname history. In English, Teukka Salama loosely translates to Tommy Lightning, and with that Teemu is officially the coolest player on Earth. He doesn’t care about CBA restrictions or NHL regulations. He gets into car crashes on Finland’s back country roads, then goes home and takes another Ferrari out of his garage.

I can only imagine what this great man will do when he retires from hockey. My prediction, he runs for Finnish president, on the platform of ‘awesome nicknames for all’...
Or he could go back to being a kindergarten teacher.

Here's Teemu being interviewed and driving - love when he goes off the hills at the end.

11 comments:

  1. "most know him as Teemu Selanne, but rally car fanatics and exotic women worldwide know him as Teukka Selanna."

    Teemu or Teukaa...is awesome

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  2. Teemu should be a guest in the movie Cars!

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  3. Love his car and his burn out, Teemu is pretty badass

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  4. I wonder if Teemu will play next year?
    He is still racking up the points.

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  5. I hope so, I hear he is hinting at retirement though.

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  6. Tommy Lightning sounds like a pornstars name. Love it

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  7. After reading this, I have decided to name my dick Tommy Lightning. Because I finnish so quickly. (get it? Finnish?

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  8. Sorry that you have problems finnishing the job in bed. You should talk to Phil Kessel he seems to have that problem with everything he does.

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  9. Teukka Salama, not Teukka Salanne, salanne doesnt mean anything in finnish

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  10. Right , thank you for the correction.

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