Thursday, June 9, 2011

If I Fought Brad Marchand

This whole "If I Fought" thing started while watching a Leaf game and witnessing Matt Stajan get slapped around behind the net, with his helmet falling off and his receding hair line overwhelming the TV. I called Matt Stajan a pussy and my mouthy little shit of a brother replied that Stajan could take me, and thus an on-going joke that Matt Stajan could beat me up was born and will now last a life time. This will be an ongoing segment in which I take on some of the weaker NHLers in which I'm overly confident I would win fights against.
If you have been watching the Stanley Cup Playoffs, you may have noticed that Brad Marchand is a little shit and seems to have opposing teams hating him from the get go. Well that was my first reaction to him when I first met him a few years ago at a Boston Pizza.

It was the spring of 2008 and Brad was still playing for the Halifax Mooseheads of the QMJHL. It was the playoffs and I can remember watching one of their games against the Gatineau Olympiques who had Claude Giroux dangling everyone all over the ice (he had 51 points in 19 playoff games that year). I can remember Marchand taking a penalty and Halifax's home fans booing him and calling him a punk. It was very odd.


The Mooseheads ended up losing the game and afterwards I was pretty hungry and for some odd reason craving an ice cold Moosehead - I guess product name placement really does work. So I headed to the local Boston Pizza (it wasn't a Montreal or Vancouver Pizza yet). When I got there most of the place was roped off and I was told the Marchand family had booked up most of the place. I don't like to judge ,but wow I felt like I was at a motor cross race with most of the family members wearing Nascar and Mosport gear. They looked like a family of Go-Karters or something.

I was able to get a small table near the washrooms, but didn't care much because I was eating and having a cold beer with a few friends. The table was for 2 and there were 5 of us, so we rotated who got to sit and eat. It sucked, but what can you do?

Well as I was leaning against the wall by the washroom drinking my beer guess who walks by and gives me a little bump. Yes, Mr. Brad Marchand himself. Before I could even say anything he says to me - "What are you going to do buds? I'm Brad Marchand and I run this town". At first I thought it was kinda clever to say "run this town" as this was years before Rhianna and Jay-Z's song "Run This Town" came out. It was pretty ground-breaking at the time.

I just laughed and turned away. Yes, we lined up pretty much the same. He is 5"9 and 190lbs and I am just over 5"10 with a little more beer muscle at 195lbs. The tale of the tape was pretty even, but I wasn't going to take a chance with all his inbred family members around, so I just backed down and knew that I would have a chance to get him one day.

Jump to that day where I'm magically in the NHL. It would be a home game in Boston and the Bruins fans would be calling for blood early on after I checked Zdeno Chara into the stanchon by the benches and he started convulsing on the ice (no disciplanary action would come from it). It was shocking and gruesome to see, but the game had to go on.

Brad Marchand would be chirping me from the bench and I knew we'd go soon, or else I would risk getting jumped by the rest of the Bruins, including Tim Thomas. As fate would have it, Marchand would be on the ice the next shift and come right at me with a big hit. It was very odd that he would try and hit me nose first, but I guess that is the biggest part of his body so it was a nice try.

As soon as he hits me I have one glove off already and start landing some solid uppercuts right off his beak. He hits me with a right, but it feels like I just got hit with a pillow. I start unloading lefts off his nose and start aiming for his eyebrows to get them gushing. I want to make sure he bleeds all over the ice so he remembers to save me a table at Boston Pizza.

We both fall to the ice as the linesmen jump in to break it up, and one for the linesmen shrieks out in pain - he got poked in the eye by Marchand's bloody, massive nose.

31 comments:

  1. Haha
    Marchand has been a nice surprise for the Bruins this year.

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  2. Marchand help me win my fantasy pool this year with his shorty pts. But ya he is still a little shit.

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  3. Someone on the canucks should fight him already..

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  4. I would love to see Burrows and Marchand fight. I give Burrows the edge

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  5. Loooooou
    booooooo

    Luongo sucks
    Bruins in 6

    Marchand does really have a massive nose. Never noticed that before..lol

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  6. I don't know whats bigger his nostrils or his mouth.

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  7. why so much hate for marchand? I know there might be a few canucks fans here but I love watching these kind of players in the finals, grinding it out and getting under the skin of the teams best players. Say what you want but Marchand has been the most effective skater this series, and has made a lot of people forget about Kesler

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  8. also, marchand would fucking smash burrows, and then head butt his children

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  9. Marchand is a good player... he can skate, shoot, and score and even had some Calder talk this year. However, he needs to cut the yappy shit out to become a great player. Getting under a players skin is fine if its from a clean check or deke, but hitting them after the whistle is no way to do it.

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  10. Marchand is a bitch, i've hated him every since i saw him play in the world jrs. not only do i hate the way he plays hockey, i hate his big nose and he looks like that asshole signer from headly. what a cunt

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  11. dude, marchand would kick your asas

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  12. Marchand is a little punk, but still does a great job on the ice. Thinking he could be a 25-30 goal guy.

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  13. Marchand is a pussy

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  14. From Elliotte Friedmans 30 thoughts:

    #27
    Brad Marchand got his second talking-to of the Stanley Cup from Claude Julien after his Game 4 "mission-accomplished" hand-wipes. (The first came after Game 2.) "I don't want him to fall into the same troubles as other guys who've done those things," Julien said. "You can be forced out of the league. Brad is too good player to have that happen to him."

    Get your shit together Marchy

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  15. Thanks for the laugh.
    I can't believe that some people actually think this is real.

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  16. He is a douche bag off the ice too.

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  17. I want to see P.K. take another run at Marchand next year, that regular season hit was one of my favorite highlights, but next time they should drop the gloves.
    I'm a Mooseheads fan and hated Marchand when he was here. Still do.

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  18. Marchand is chippy as hell but he also scores goals...and thats pretty much what he does for the B's...I would have paid to see any member of the Canucks fight Brad or any member of the Bruins team but they just wouldn't do it...So I'll take Marchand being chippy and talking trash as long as we dont have to hear you trying to be tough

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  19. "black and yellow, black and yellow"
    Marchand is a little punk but every team needs a player like that to get under the other teams skin.

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  20. Hells Yeah!!!! And why soooooo many haters???? Brad is a good athlete and all you rude assholes out there are just jealous of him and his success. He's good at what he does, he looks good doing it, and his nose is fine! I love the Boston Bruins, Brad Marchand and Tim Thomas.
    One more thing... Focusing your time on talking and thinking negative about other people or whatever takes so much energy that's not worth it and just a waste of life- Just saying.
    Talk positive, if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.

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  21. marchand is the man. a great all around hockey player. stop bein haters. just cuz u dont have the talent. go ahead do at marchie....i got his back. id step right in there for him and go with any of you haters. boston the best sports fan in city in the world. keep doing what u do marchand, we're ready for a 2 peat

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  22. marchand is the second coming of god. we love our players out here and boston. dont be jealous because we are the champs baby and still doin it this year. boston baby...the untouchable sports city. only if those chumps down in new york had something to cheer about. bunch of losers in nyc

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  23. Brad and the Marchands DO run this province bitch, you know that house you're living in? a 99% chance it was built by Ramar construction, a Marchand family company number 1 in the province for house contruction, you should be greatful motherfucker

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  24. No, we just delete comments that use offensive language. If you browse around you'll see we are not from Nova Scotia, and this post was in fact fictional and completely made up. We were merely capitalizing on Brad Marchand being a pest in the playoffs and we actually do like him as a hockey player.

    Chill out.

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  25. did you hear that guys? Dirty Dangles is a phony! a big fat phony!

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  26. Looks like you pissed off Marchand's little sister. Good work guys

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  27. Someone needs to give Marchand a real good tuneup. The guy obviously doesn't have any respect for the game and, quite literally thinks he runs the show (or town I guess). Mark my words. He has it coming. He will get what he deserves.

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  28. Marchand is a wimp and needs a big beating, and you american marchand lovers should just shut up and start another war on innocent people somewheres (like you are so famous for)... admit he's a jerk and then go kill some innocent people

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  29. Marchand is a tool bag, no class white trash loser.
    I'm embarrassed to say I live in Hammonds Plains.
    Can't wait to see that second penis on his face smashed in...

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