Friday, January 13, 2012

How The NHL All-Star Game Roster Selections Went Down

With the Fan Ballot Stuffing complete, it's time to take a look at how the remaining All-Stars we're selected by Brendan Shanahan and Rob Blake in their own All-Star fantasy draft.
He says if we don't take Kessel and Lupul he's going to rent a barn.
Shanny: Ok, Rob, so we got Spezza, Michalek, Alfie, Karlsson, Phaneuf, and Thomas to start the game. *cracks up laughing*

Rob: Oh boy, so we have 21 forwards, 10 D and 5 goalies to pick, and then 12 rooks. First thing's first. I'll make the call *dials Sidney Crosby*

Shanny: And...?

Rob: Yeah he can't play, he thought I was his sister or something and started naming off deals at Sportchek.

Shanny: Oh sweet, any deals on shoulder pads?

Rob: I hung up when he mentioned he was a Ferrari.

Shanny: Good call. Well let's look at the top point leaders and just add the guaranteed players. The Sedins, Giroux, Kessel, Lupul, Stamkos, Malkin, Hossa, Eberle, Pominville, Datsyuk, Toews, Benn, and Backstrom? Good?

Rob: Eberle and Backstrom are hurt, other than that, looks good. We'll have 9 more to pick. Let's come back to them later.

Shanny: OK, moving to the D-men. Campbell, Weber, Edler, Wideman? Wow, Wideman is 5th in D scoring!? Sorry that caught me off guard, rounding out the scorers we have Chara, Suter, Yandle, Bieksa, Timonen, Byfuglien. That would make the top 12 scorers from the blueline. What about Lidstrom?

Rob: I already talked to him, he said he wants a break from the ASG, but would still like a Norris nomination. I say we piss off some Canucks fans and scrap Bieksa. What about that kid who had a shit-ton of write-in votes? Girardi?

Shanny: True say, I liked him on HBO too - he's in. So our D are set! Let's figure out the goalies.

Rob: If we want to be objective and go with stats-based selections, I say: Lundqvist, Quick, Rinne, Elliott, Howard. Nice and easy.

Shanny: Looks good! Any rooks you want to see? I know I like RNH, that Craig Smith kid from Nashville, Henrique and Larsson from NJ, Landeskog of the Avs, Colin Greening for the hometown crowd and Luke Adam of the Sabres.

Rob: Sounds good, how about Couturier and Read from Philly, Faulk of the Canes and Hodgson from Vancouver. Also, as a former defenceman I'm partial to Jared Cowen.

Shanny: Looks good. Let's revisit our forwards now.

Rob: Remember, we need a rep from each team.

Shanny: Shiiiiit, sometimes I hate this job!

Rob: So far we're missing, Montreal, San Jose, Anaheim, Islanders, Minny, and the Flames.

Shanny: OK let's do the easy ones. Isles-Tavares?  Flames-Iggy?

Rob: Yup, Yup, Montreal is tough to pick from though. Do they want someone that speaks French to represent them?

Shanny: Who knows, maybe we should just do Carey Price? I really liked his campaign *casse chops*

Rob: I still have no idea what that means.

Shanny: Me either, but it's fun to do. Alright, I'll draw names from a hat to see which goalie he replaces. *draws name*

Rob: Uh oh, fans might not like that one...

Shanny: They have a bunch of All-Stars already, they won't miss Rinne. In fact they probably won't watch the game.

Rob: What about Anaheim, did you call Selanne?

Shanny: Sure did, we're going to go saunaing this weekend.

Rob: I meant about the All-Star Game...

Shanny: Yeah, he doesn't want to go. He told me to take Perry though. I guess he did win the Hart last year.

Rob: OK, what about Minnesota, Heatley? Would be great to hear the boos.

Shanny: Nah, Betts said he doesn't want that, he wants to be booed the loudest, we'll go with Koivu.

Rob: OK, San Jose. Thornton or Marleau?

Shanny: Fuck 'em both, they haven't won anything. Let's go with their goal scorer, Logan "Chicklets" Couture.

Rob: Good enough reason I guess, you hanging out with Torts lately or something? So now we need to pick 4 more guys, any team's we're missing?

Shanny: If Backstrom's out, we need a Caps rep. I wish we could pick Dale Hunter to play.

Rob: Well the fans want it, let's give them Ovie. Plus, I don't need the Russian Mob after me.

Shanny: OK, so we're selecting players based on name? Let's go with Gaborik too then.

Rob: Done. OK, so I have one request for a player although I know they have a lot of forwards selected already. I once shared a cab with him and his cousin after partying in Buffalo and they were nice enough to drop me off at my hotel and refused to take my money to help pay for the cab.

Shanny: You know how that ended right?

Rob: Yeah, he probably should have taken my money.

Shanny: Well, fans like him, Kaner is in.

Rob: One last thing here, I got a letter from a player asking to go to Ottawa because he's legal drinking age in Canada. He argues he deserves to be there and was one of the top write in votes for all positions.

Shanny: Let me guess, Seguin? Alright, he's in as long as he brings 5 alarm clocks.

Rob: OK, just looking over the roster one more time. *scans paper in front of him*... Fuck! We forgot about Columbus.

Shanny: Yeah, they're a hurting club. Let's just put a rookie in, they do have some of those right?

Rob: Ryan Johansen, I don't know how we overlooked him on rookies.

Shanny: Well, he does play in Columbus.

Rob: Fair enough. OK, we're done. Beers?

Shanny: Yeah, let's go to a place where the girls don't have hairy armpits though.


  1. This was... great. Do Shanny and Blake really pick the roster?

  2. I would have loved if Ovechkin didn't get picked for the game after what he did last year.

    Also really enjoy that last years captain Eric "Toronto is not a hockey market" Staal didn't get picked

  3. @Andy

    He by no means deserved it. Backstrom would be the Caps pick, but he's hurt. I hope he gets picked bottom 5.


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