Monday, January 9, 2012

Predicting The NHL In The Year 2020

Looking into a Jofa Helmet will show you the NHL's future
After a drunken night wandering around the city looking for street meat, I stumbled across "Anastasia the Psychic" under some neon lights. For only $20 bucks she would tell me everything I wanted to know about my future - who I might marry or how many kids I might have. I said forget about that crap, I want to know what the NHL will be like in the year 2020. This is what she came up with:

  • The shortest player in NHL history will be 5'1" and play for the Montreal Canadiens.
  • Concussions will be very rare in the NHL due to new rules that make the game more like women's hockey. You can rub a guy out, but no open ice hitting.
  • James Reimer will win his first Stanley Cup with the Detroit Red Wings
  • After 3 consecutive Winter Classics are cancelled due to warm weather and brutal ice conditions, the NHL finally scraps the idea.
  • The Quebec Nordiques are back in the NHL. The New York Islanders are gone.
  • Rick DiPietro enters the last year of his 15 year contract with the Quebec  Nordiques and retires as the only player to earn over $70M and play under 500 career games.
  • After the 2nd Dead Puck Era of 2014-2018, the NHL moves to permanent 4-on-4 play resulting in Brett Connolly of the Tampa Bay Lighting winning the Rocket Richard Trophy with 87 goals.
  • All NHL players wear visors and some even wear full cages. Don Cherry can be heard cursing Europeans from his grave.
  • Paulina Gretzky poses for Playboy, and like her father, sets a record for most copies sold.
  • TSN now owns the broadcasting rights for Saturday night hockey games. CBC chooses to only broadcast Sunday afternoon AHL games.
  • Gary Roberts returns to play a season with the Calgary Flames.
  • Brian Burke's tie will still be loosened or undone.
  • Carrie Underwood and newly retired Mike Fisher buy the Nashville Predators.
  • There will be a riot at the Air Canada Centre when beer prices rise to 35 bucks a beer, no ushers will be hurt, but Toronto Maple Leafs President Eric Lindros will suffer a concussion.
  • After lengthy debate, it is finally declared that a goal, assist and a fight will no longer be called a Gordie Howe Hat Trick, but a Brendan Shanahan Hat Trick
  • Entering the later years of his contract, Ilya Kovalchuk does what everyone expects him to do when his cap hit is $1M and retires.
  • To grow the sport, the NHL decides to open its season with games in the Middle East as part of their NHL Premiere. Many people think this is more about oil and not growing the sport. 3 players get kidnapped and it is decided ice and sand don't mix. 
  • Chicago Blackhawks head coach, Jeremy Roenick, wins coach of the year after his team goes 82-0. The Blackhawks use what is called the NHL 94 offensive. 85% of their team goals are players coming out from the corner and shooting far post.
  • Dougie Hamilton leads all defenceman in points with 85 and takes home the Norris Trophy for his third consecutive year. 
  • Taylor Hall is traded to the Los Angeles Kings from the Oilers. He promised Eberle he wouldn't cry... but does.
  • Nazem Kadri leads a rebuilding Dallas Star team in points with 65.


  1. "Paulina Gretzky poses for Playboy, and like her father, sets a record for most copies sold"

    Future can't come fast enough:0)

  2. Love the JR NHL 94 reference.

  3. Kadri will never score over 50 points in a season.

  4. amazing post, one of the best ever. the jeremy roenick shooting far post comment is world class

  5. sabres still won't have a stanley cup? your probably right

  6. Kadri on the Dallas Stars....not a chance
    Staying with the Blue and White for his career.


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