Saturday, February 4, 2012

(Fantasy) Season Affective Disorder

By: Nick, Dirty Dangle's Ottawa Senators Devil's Advocate
Each year, as winter rolls around, health care practitioners take to different mediums to share with us the dangers of seasonal affective disorder. Sometimes called the winter blues, seasonal affective disorder is a form of depression that results from the changing levels of light. It’s a severe problem that affects a substantial number of Canadians, but must not be mixed up with another disorder of the similar name, (Fantasy) Season Affective Disorder.

What is (Fantasy) Season Affective Disorder? It’s the realization that:
your fantasy HOCKEY team is DOOMED.

It’s over. No, you’re not going to win your fantasy pool. You’ll probably be lucky if you aren’t battling it out for last overall. That means no prizes for you come April (or June if you’ve got a really sophisticated league) and more importantly, no bragging rights. You don’t get to exclaim to your pool opponents, “Victor Hedman! Norris Trophy candidate for him, late round, 50-point pick for me. Suck it!” No, you don’t get to say that because Hedman scraped together six points before going on IR halfway through the season… much to the annoyance of this writer.

(Fantasy) Season Affective Disorder can affect us all differently. While increased blood pressure and alcoholism are common symptoms of knowing there is no hope for your fantasy team, so too are the following:
·        Adding and dropping a player a day. The creativity of rookies and the ups-and-downs of goalies make them popular choices but don’t be fooled, one player this late in the season isn’t going to skyrocket you to hockey omniscience. As for the Bourques, Booths, and Kaberles, sure, they’re worth a gamble (I mean, what do you have to lose?) but everyone will be trying to snap them up and if things don’t pan out you could very well look as desperate as Pierre Gauthier.
·        You may have not noticed but as of 02/02/12 20:35 EST, Antero Niittymäki, Nazem Kadri, Magnus Paajarvi, Sean Avery, and Sergei Samsonov are not in the NHL. Do not claim them off waivers. Do not trade for them.
·        Regret for not acting early and taking a flyer on early performers such as Joffrey Lupul, Brian Elliott, and Nick Leddy.
·        Putting half your team on the trade block. Rest assured you won’t find any Sedins, Hossas, Karlssons, or Howards on that list but in case someone needs a slumping Vinny Prospal, they’re in luck!
·        Frequently reoccurring states of confusion. What do you mean Alex Ovechkin isn’t in the top 30 in scoring? He was my goddamn number one overall pick! You swap players during the regular season, not careers.
·        The superstitions are getting downright disturbing.
·        Believing it’s karma that Halak posted a shutout after you sat him on the bench during a busy Saturday night of hockey. It’s not karma, you just fucked up.
·        Remember all your smack talk at the beginning of the season? You have no choice but to eat your words now.

You have two options at this point. You could get aggressive and try and break the bank on a player like David Descharnais (this writer’s strategy) and fight to get back into the middle of the pack. Or, you can’t break Dirty Dangle’s cardinal rule and simply throw in the towel. Maybe Proline’s more your speed…

Until next time, be safe fantasy hockey friends: don’t drink and trade.

2 comments:

  1. Joffrey Lupul is the only reason my team is in the top 3 this year.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm going to save my fantasy season fun by offering trades everyday until the trade deadline.

    ReplyDelete

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